Why John Wanamaker Should Have Listened to Tommy Cooper

You’ll like this; it gives you the chance to do impressions. Tousle your hair, stagger slightly, put on a gruff, slurred voice – if you like you can even wear a fez – and when you’re ready, say the following:

“I went to the doctor’s yesterday. I said ‘it hurts when I do this’. The doctor said, ‘Well don’t do it then’.

OK, so you sounded more like Arnold Schwarzenegger doing dalek impressions, but that’s not the point. The point is that today I’m going to hold up Tommy Cooper as a marketing guru. And on the way I’m going to make the same deposit on John Wanamaker that pigeons outside the British Museum make on Horatio Nelson.

John Wanamaker, so we’re told, originally coined the phrase “I know half of my advertising dollars are wasted, I just don’t know which half”. If I’m lucky enough to be remembered when I’m gone, I hope it’ll be for something less fatuous. If Tommy Cooper had been around in 1886, he’d have fixed Wanamaker with that glorious bloodshot, gap-toothed stare and said, “Well don’t do it then”.

This thought came to me on the road to Damascus. Well, OK, the road from Barnsley to Stafford, using that really cute road across the Peaks – you know, through Warslow and… sorry, back to the plot. I’d just been to see a new client who showed me the adverts they’d been running in trade magazines.

What I saw was typical trade magazine fare – quality, customer service, excellence, all the words to fill your BS Bingo card. I asked how well they worked and braced myself. Sure enough “I know half my…” etc. Suddenly I sensed the ghostly figure of a 6 foot three drunk magician at my elbow and, with all the conviction of Derek Acorah preparing to make Yvette Fielding’s pupils dilate even further, I grunted “Well don’t do it then”.

This client sells to multi-million pound players in a clearly defined market. He has maybe 100 potential new customers in the UK, and any one of them can add a million pounds to his annual turnover. To meet his growth targets he needs two new clients a year.

So why is he advertising? If we take his existing marketing budget – of which apparently 50% is wasted – and turn it all to bear on that small, defined market, surely we can win two new customers in the next twelve months? If we spent, say, £1,000 on a drop-dead pitch to one new customer, what conversion rate could we expect?

Obvious, yes. But don’t judge my client too harshly. They’re running one of the most successful businesses in their industry. They’re smart people. But they’ve fallen into a trap that I see at least once a month. They’ve seen what other people do in their marketing, and simply done the same.

Don’t do this. If Tommy Cooper had done it he’d have been just another reasonably competent magician. John Wanamaker made his millions the same way: he looked at what other people did, and told people about what he did differently.

When my clients look at their marketing, do they realise they’re being advised by a comedian?

Oh I hope so.

If You Can't Stand the Heat, Go Back in the Kitchen

Back in July the Birmingham Post asked me to write an article about the Silly Season for their Media Types column. Here it is to remind us of that hour and a half of British summer.

Where did the summer go?

Who wants to type articles on a day like this? Nothing’s moving except for a few freelance bumblebees. They don’t seem bothered that what they’re doing is impossible, and the noise they make is providing a nice counterpoint to the crack of lighter fluid on charcoal. One advantage of advancing years is that your kids can run the barbecue.

A blank screen stares accusingly back. Might as well neck what’s left of the Chablis before it gets too warm.

The mind wanders…

A friend of mine has built a multi-million pound business on the ethos that if you’re too busy you’re doing something wrong. His home village boasts an annual presentation of the Stoke Albany Lazy Bastards Award. He was devastated to come second last year; apparently he was seen entering his office before ten o’clock on two consecutive months.

It’s a talent we all need to emulate. If becoming more successful means becoming more busy, what’s going wrong? I haven’t mastered the technique, but believe me I’m willing to learn.

There’s a frog poking its head out of the pond. A fly lands six inches from its head. No response, not a flicker. It’s too hot; another fly’s bound to land closer. Just be patient.

It’s that elusive easy life. We all want it. Quite possibly, we want it more than anything else on earth. One of my clients is just starting a marketing campaign based on a deckchair. What are they selling? That’s right… accountancy. And it works. It works because you choose your accountant because of what he takes away, not because of what he gives you. Do you want leading edge tax consultancy, or would you prefer a drink in that deckchair over there. Stop worrying. Leave it all to me.

Was that thunder?

A raindrop the size of a whisky measure in a Scottish pub hits the laptop keyboard. The barbecue crackles its annoyance, engulfing the patio in a fog bank that should have a sneaky French frigate hiding inside it. Russell Crowe dives behind a bulkhead just in case. It’s all dreams.

So where’s the marketing moral in all this? Make up your own – I’ve got this article to write. On the other hand, if it’s silly season for the press, why not for media types? Why keep writing when the next cork could be creaking out of its bottle?

Lazy Bastards Award: you will be mine.

Smile for the Self-Portrait

I’d like to tell you how fabulous I am. No, seriously, you’d be amazed what a rounded, caring, all-round amazing guy you’d be talking to if we ever got to meet. In fact I’m going to put my phone number at the bottom of this piece, because you’re going to need it. I’m just that good.

Still reading?

If you’ve reached this paragraph, it’s either because I’ve convinced you, or you can’t believe this garbage is for real. And I’m betting on the latter. So if it’s such outrageous twaddle, why do you write your marketing messages this way? Come on, own up, you know you do. I’ve seen your brochures – you’re unique, you’re innovative, you’re focused on customer service, you tailor solutions and, unless I’m mistaken, you’re one of the leading companies in your field.

If any of those statements do appear in your brochures, on your advertisements or on your Website, call every one of your customers in turn and apologize for the time they had to waste either throwing them in the bin or looking for a more interesting site.
When you’re done apologizing, join the Caravan Club. It’s full of people who point their cameras in exactly the wrong direction. They hook their Sprite 14 (whatever that is) to the coathanger thing on the back of the Maxi and chug off to an area of outstanding natural beauty. Then they park in front of it and take a picture of the caravan. “Here’s Ethel and me completely obscuring the view across Loch Stochanbarel”.

If I’m being unfair to you, congratulations: you’re one of those rare people who’s learned which way to point the camera. How come my opening paragraph gave you a picture of an egotistical twerp suffering from terminal “I” strain? Could it be that you’d rather form your own opinions?

The core of good marketing points its camera at the customer. It puts him at the centre of a picture that shows exactly where he wants to be. As soon as you move the caravan out of the way, the view behind it becomes clear. I work with a client who prints barcode tickets for retailers like Next and Arcadia. It would be easy to focus our camera on those tickets, and the (genuinely excellent) service behind them. But how much quality do you need in a piece of cardboard that will be thrown away anyway?

Now look at what the ticket does: without that piece of card, the whole supply chain stalls. If the tickets aren’t right, how much is lost in missed opportunity? If market reaction can be speeded up, how much extra profit can we drive to the bottom line? The benefit that my client brings to his marketplace carries the focus completely away from the product he’s selling, and into a world that’s real and persuasive to his customer.

The bad news is that this takes more thought than throwing out a few more “experience to deliver” and “customer-driven” clichés. But put that extra thought into your marketing materials, and you’ll immediately pull ahead of 90% of your competitors.

And your holiday pictures will be more entertaining too.

But that’s enough about you, let’s talk about me…

Jem Shaw - +44 (0)1785 255904 (Told you I would)

So, about this marketing stuff

Having blogged, with relative regularity, a summer of aviational delights, it's time I added a slightly more businesslike aspect to my blogging. Not that I approach this with any intention of taking it seriously, but 30-odd years in this remarkably silly industry have given me a view of the way we operate.

In my typically egotistical way I feel obliged to share it.

So here are a few samples of articles wot I've wrote over the last few years, along with a few observations and grumbles on the way.

You don't have to agree with me, or at least admit that you do in polite company.